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I know this has been a tough week for celebrities and the most recent deaths of; Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. But we have to keep in mind, that death is a part of our LIFE. None of us escapes it — no matter how hard we try. For some, it comes much too early, like my friends, Theresa DeGennaro, Jerry Duffy, Matt Morrell, Tee Ford, and my dear, sweet friend, Greta Baker. We have a tendency to make death some scary-boogie-monster-thing we think we can evade but in reality it is all just a matter of being a part of the plan.
What I wouldn’t give to be able to have one more conversation with Wendy Johnson, or Kim (Abercrombie) Kennedy, Jack Carroll, John Kelley or my young cousin, BD Dwyer, but their time on this earth has ended and there isn’t a way for me to speak with them directly. I guess I could use that reason (or excuse) to go out and commit all kinds of selfish acts; I could probably get away with some of it, too. But does that bring anyone back? No. Does that bring me an ounce of relief? No. All it does is add to my own personal guilt.
So, what do I do instead? I write. I want the world to know that Theresa was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known in my life and how most of our friends and classmates wouldn’t have a clue as to how insecure and afraid she was of the world. Her death came as a direct result of her alcoholism and I believe she drank to put a stop (however temporary) to her feelings of inferiority and shame. I tell people, in my writing, about how Theresa was a chameleon of sorts; she could get along with princes and paupers and would find herself in any circle of peers at any given time. But I’d also have to tell you how she never stayed very long in any one place because she was terrified that they would find out the truth about her (or the truth she thought was hers); that she was only wearing a mask and playing a part; and that there was no way would anyone from any group really get to know the real Tess.
Death comes to us all, eventually, and the idea is not to evade it or think you can outrun it but to embrace it as a part of life. I’m one of those people who believes that we are only on this earth for a short amount of time, in this body of flesh, but that we remain spirits forever and as spirits we can still be a part of the lives of our loved ones.
I can’t begin to explain how very much I miss my friend, Greta. Greta and I met when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Abigail and in pre-term labor. She was the nurse who took care of me the first night I went to the hospital in an attempt to keep Abbie in the womb where she belonged. I returned to the hospital a few days later and was admitted for a few weeks. During that time, each time Greta was working, she would ask to be my nurse. She spent many nights sitting in the chair in my room, watching TV with me while she finished up her paperwork. We had a lot in common and became fast friends. When I left the hospital she gave me her home phone number and said that I could call her if I ever needed anything. A short time later I did call her and we were soon neighbors when my husband and I purchased our first house in her hometown.
For the next half dozen years or so we were inseperable and I was honored to be Matron of Honor in her wedding to her husband, Scott. I don’t have enough space available to share all of the times Greta and I shared over those few years but I can say that we were supportive of one another, we were teacher to one another, spiritual advisors, confidants and best friends.
Here I am, today, years after her death admitting to all of you that I think about and miss her every single day. I don’t burst into tears anymore (very often) when I’m reminded of the time I spent with her and in fact, I’ve come to embrace all of our memories with a kind of feeling that tells me, she’s not so far away — and that as long as I have memories of her, she will always be nearby. I find comfort in that idea and that’s what works for me.
As we are faced with death, as a natural occurance that is inevitable, if we can find comfort in believing that our loved ones are always somehow with us, or that we were blessed to have had whatever amount of time we had with them and that their death is a part of their life, then maybe we can come to see death, not as the enemy but as a part of a bigger plan.
I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but that’s what is kicking around in my head.
Photo by Jill Dwyer Henry 2009
I am not the original author of this list, and I would love to give proper credit to them, but I received this list via email and just wanted to share it with all of you. All 21 points are originally made by another but the comments in parenthesis are all mine!
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully (and without looking for a return favor).
2. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. (As my mother taught me: you always stay focused on your spouse because once your children are grown, they are supposed to leave — your spouse is going to stay).
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want (But get all of the sleep you NEED)
4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it. (When you don’t mean it, don’t say it)
5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye (Know that admitting you were wrong is not a sign of weakness but a sign of maturity and kindness)
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. (And enjoy every minute of that special time — don’t rush it past or wish it away…LIVE IT)
7. Believe in love at first sight. (But also know there is such a thing as LUST at first sight, and that COULD be what’s going on…)
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams; people who don’t have dreams don’t have much. (If someone laughs at YOUR dreams, leave them in the dust…the person, not the dreams!)
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely. (And only love one at a time — that’s only fair)
10. In disagreements; fight fairly. No name calling. (And stay on the subject at hand, don’t reach back for old, unhealed wounds, stay in the moment)
11. Don’t judge people b their relatives. (In truth they would probably have picked the same relatives if given a choice, but we all know the relative-giving is pretty much a crap shoot)
12. Talk slowly but think quickly. (And let your thinking happen before you open your mouth)
13. When someone asks you a question you’re not comfortable answering, smile and ask, “Why do you ask?” (It’s a lot better than pulling a lie from mid air that won’t be believed anyway…)
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. (And it’s ALWAYS worth the risk…)
15. Say, “Bless You,” when you hear someone sneeze (And always return your shopping cart to the specified spot in the lot – don’t leave a mess)
16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson (There is always a lesson)
17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all of YOUR ACTIONS (Even the ones you could get away with denying…)
18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship (But don’t confuse a toxic relationship with a healthy one)
19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake; take immediate steps to correct it (This will be a gift to YOURSELF more than to the other person involved)
20. Smile when picking up the phone; the caller will hear it in your voice. (And it may be JUST what they need to back them away from the ledge)
21. Spend some time alone (whenever you can, without isolating yourself from the rest of humanity — we really need each other)
Thank you for reading, I hope this entry brightens your day.
