Do you sometimes feel crazy?

Maybe this is a silly question for some, but there are many people out there who are in some kind of a relationship with a person who is an expert at talking them into circles and causing them to think they are crazy.  Do you know what I mean?

It’s not okay to act like this and if you are in a situation where this is happening to you, if you can’t bring it to the attention of someone else, get out!

These relationships are especially dangerous when they are close, intimate relationships because the person who is doing the “crazy making’ is aware of your weaknesses and insecurities and they will play on them whenever they feel it necessary.

I dated a guy once who knew I was insecure about his past sexual prowess es and he took every opportunity to bring to my attention any time he was reminded of an old flame.  Driving by a seedy motel he would stare and smile and my heart would sink.  One guy, knowing there were photographs of himself from his college age-self with a scantily clad lover would take every opportunity to pull out that specific photo album to show our friends.  Then when they would get to the photo (because they were always curious to see what else was going on with him at that time of his life) he would act as if he had no recollection that her photo was in that particular album and he would immediately start apologizing to me and explaining that I have “insecurity issues.” 

I’ve been in work situations where I’ve been asked to do something and I have done it and then when I turn it in, I’m scolded because I didn’t do the other thing they wanted, too.  Most times I had no prior knowledge to their need for the secondary item. 

Dealing with people like that is so infuriating and I have found that, unfortunately, we are unable to change that other person, or beat the snot out of them, which is usually what I’d rather do.  So we have to look to ourselves, the only person we truly have control over and we have to adjust the way we view a situation and alter the way we respond to them.

I wish I could have done this back in the day when I was dating that person who fed on my insecurities because I would have handled myself very differently.  Driving past that seedy motel I would concentrate on the road and tell myself things like, “I could live without him.  I do not need his presence in my life.  He is lucky to be with me!  If he can’t see that, it’s too bad for him.  I will not react to his crazy-making.”  And we would be past the motel and he could have stood on his head in the front seat of the car and I wouldn’t have noticed. 

The bottom line is, we can only control ourselves.  We do not have to live like victims — EVER.  And we should choose, everyday, to see ourselves as empowered people; people who are not only worthy of receiving love but having the ability to see where some relationships are toxic and having the power to walk away form them…for our own good.

If there is someone in your life who is talking you in circles and causing you to question your sanity, take a good look at whether or not you truly need (or want) that person in your life; because you can’t change them, only yourself.

Be well.

 

Jill

There Is Death Because There Is Life

I know this has been a tough week for celebrities and the most recent deaths of; Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. But we have to keep in mind, that death is a part of our LIFE. None of us escapes it — no matter how hard we try. For some, it comes much too early, like my friends, Theresa DeGennaro, Jerry Duffy, Matt Morrell, Tee Ford, and my dear, sweet friend,  Greta Baker. We have a tendency to make death some scary-boogie-monster-thing we think we can evade but in reality it is all just a matter of being a part of the plan.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to have one more conversation with Wendy Johnson, or Kim (Abercrombie) Kennedy, Jack Carroll, John Kelley or my young cousin, BD Dwyer, but their time on this earth has ended and there isn’t a way for me to speak with them directly.   I guess I could use that reason (or excuse) to go out and commit all kinds of selfish acts; I could probably get away with some of it, too.  But does that bring anyone back?  No.  Does that bring me an ounce of relief?  No.  All it does is add to my own personal guilt.

So, what do I do instead?  I write.  I want the world to know that Theresa was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known in my life and how most of our friends and classmates wouldn’t have a clue as to how insecure and afraid she was of the world.  Her death came as a direct result of her alcoholism and I believe she drank to put a stop (however temporary) to her feelings of inferiority and shame.   I tell people, in my writing, about how Theresa was a chameleon of sorts; she could get along with princes and paupers and would find herself in any circle of peers at any given time.  But I’d also have to tell you how she never stayed very long in any one place because she was terrified that they would find out the truth about her (or the truth she thought was hers); that she was only wearing a mask and playing a part; and that there was no way would anyone from any group really get to know the real Tess.  

Death comes to us all, eventually, and the idea is not to evade it or think you can outrun it but to embrace it as a part of life.  I’m one of those people who believes that we are only on this earth for a short amount of time, in this body of flesh, but that we remain spirits forever and as spirits we can still be a part of the lives of our loved ones. 

I can’t begin to explain how very much I miss my friend, Greta.   Greta and I met when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Abigail and in pre-term labor.  She was the nurse who took care of me the first night I went to the hospital in an attempt to keep Abbie in the womb where she belonged.  I returned to the hospital a few days later and was admitted for a few weeks.  During that time, each time Greta was working, she would ask to be my nurse.  She spent many nights sitting in the chair in my room, watching TV with me while she finished up her paperwork.  We had a lot in common and became fast friends.  When I left the hospital she gave me her home phone number and said that I could call her if I ever needed anything.  A short time later I did call her and we were soon neighbors when my husband and I purchased our first house in her hometown. 

For the next half dozen years or so we were inseperable and I was honored to be Matron of Honor in her wedding to her husband, Scott.  I don’t have enough space available to share all of the times Greta and I shared over those few years but I can say that we were supportive of one another, we were teacher to one another, spiritual advisors, confidants and best friends.

Here I am, today, years after her death admitting to all of you that I think about and miss her every single day.  I don’t burst into tears anymore (very often) when I’m reminded of the time I spent with her and in fact, I’ve come to embrace all of our memories with a kind of feeling that tells me, she’s not so far away — and that as long as I have memories of her, she will always be nearby.  I find comfort in that idea and that’s what works for me.

As we are faced with death, as a natural occurance that is inevitable, if we can find comfort in believing that our loved ones are always somehow with us, or that we were blessed to have had whatever amount of time we had with them and that their death is a part of their life, then maybe we can come to see death, not as the enemy but as a part of a bigger plan. 

I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but that’s what is kicking around in my head.

Living A Life of Honor

Photo by Jill Dwyer Henry 2009

I am not the original author of this list, and I would love to give proper credit to them, but I received this list via email and just wanted to share it with all of you.  All 21 points are originally made by another but the comments in parenthesis are all mine!

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully (and without looking for a return favor).

2. Marry a person you love to talk to.  As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.  (As my mother taught me: you always stay focused on your spouse because once your children are grown, they are supposed to leave — your spouse is going to stay).

3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want (But get all of the sleep you NEED)

4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.  (When you don’t mean it, don’t say it)

5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye (Know that admitting you were wrong is not a sign of weakness but a sign of maturity and kindness)

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.  (And enjoy every minute of that special time — don’t rush it past or wish it away…LIVE IT)

7.  Believe in love at first sight.  (But also know there is such a thing as LUST at first sight, and that COULD be what’s going on…)

8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams; people who don’t have dreams don’t have much.  (If someone laughs at YOUR dreams, leave them in the dust…the person, not the dreams!)

9. Love deeply and passionately.  You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.  (And only love one at a time — that’s only fair)

10. In disagreements; fight fairly.  No name calling.  (And stay on the subject at hand, don’t reach back for old, unhealed wounds, stay in the moment)

11. Don’t judge people b their relatives.  (In truth they would probably have picked the same relatives if given a choice, but we all know the relative-giving is pretty much a crap shoot)

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.  (And let your thinking happen before you open your mouth)

13.  When someone asks you a question you’re not comfortable answering, smile and ask, “Why do you ask?”  (It’s a lot better than pulling a lie from mid air that won’t be believed anyway…)

14.  Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.  (And it’s ALWAYS worth the risk…)

15.  Say, “Bless You,” when you hear someone sneeze (And always return your shopping cart to the specified spot in the lot – don’t leave a mess)

16.  When you lose, don’t lose the lesson (There is always a lesson)

17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all of YOUR ACTIONS (Even the ones you could get away with denying…)

18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship (But don’t confuse a toxic relationship with a healthy one)

19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake; take immediate steps to correct it (This will be a gift to YOURSELF more than to the other person involved)

20.  Smile when picking up the phone; the caller will hear it in your voice.  (And it may be JUST what they need to back them away from the ledge)

21.  Spend some time alone  (whenever you can, without isolating yourself from the rest of humanity — we really need each other)

 

Thank you for reading, I hope this entry brightens your day.

Epic Proportions, Take One

DW DeWitt; Producer

There is something completely magical about watching my children on stage.  It’s not their youth I envy (I wouldn’t go back a day for all the money in the world…) but it has more to do with the fact that when they are up on the stage, I almost forget they are the two beautiful beings I gave birth to.  They “become” their characters and I am in awe of their abilities to remember their lines, cues, timing and transform themselves into characters I have yet to know. 

As a writer, I only wish that one day, something I may write will inspire the kind of performances I’ve been blessed to see portrayed by my own children and their friends.  Let me tell you a little about the Danvers High School Academy Theatre’s production of Epic Proportions, that they so brilliantly displayed yesterday during DramaFest ‘09.

The premise is that Epic Proportions is a play within a movie.  The movie within the play is an epic production of all of the greatest moments that have transpired throughout human civilization.  There are pyramids, plagues, Octavian, murderous plots and 3,400 people who are on set as extras.  The story begins with two brothers, Benny and Phil, who find themselves on location in the Arizona desert, as part of a large group of extras, who will be appearing in this new epic movie by (the famous — to them, at least) DW DeWitt, movie producer and director. 

The group of 3,400 extras are being handled by the Alaskan native, Louise Goldman, who is soft-spoken and gets herself caught up in relations with the two brothers.  Louise is a tender-hearted, over-whelmed, professional who ends up in the very center of this plot of twists-and-turns.  The audience can’t help by cheer her on through every encounter she has with diva-mega-stars who curse and smoke, directors who scream obscenities and demand acts of God to be obtained through pyrotechnics, and the two brothers who have each captured her heart in the process. 

The brothers are sheer comic pleasure.  Benny, the younger of the two has big dreams of being discovered as a star in his bit scenes as an extra and Phil, the over-achieving, older brother who is first singled out and promoted is obviously the more out-going and confident of the two.  But like all good stories, the moral in this one is Benny, the tortoises slow and steady pace that wins the girl.

The lines are hysterical and laugh-out-loud funny; the situations these characters find themselves in is true, comedic genius and I dare any Broadway Production Company to compare to what these teenagers did by way of a first-rate performance.  The costume changes, the physical comedy, the comedic timing and the caliber of acting would be hard to copy by any drama troupe.  The set is simple, yet dramatic.  As the play progresses, without any change in the scenery, the audience is transported from the Roman Empire to the Pyramids of Egypt to the bedroom of a Queen right into the scene of a botched surprise birthday party being attended by cast, crew and extras.  The set design came together with the scene changes in a simplistic, yet classic style and was all from the imagination of the talented Miss Emma. 

No greater honor could be bestowed upon a director as the words of praise that were heard throughout the day for our very own director, Mr. Tim O’Donnell.  If given the chance, each parent would love to be considered a part of Tim’s Team, if even for a day.  It is humbling to watch what Tim can get the students to do with barely raising of his voice.  He came into their lives last year as a Danvers graduate and brand new director and brought this beautiful group (and the students who have since moved on to colleges, jobs, etc.) to the Finals of DramaFest ‘08.   I know that the murmur from amongst the parents is, “How does Tim get them all to listen, at one time, without having to offer bribes and such?” Because we are in awe of what you do, Tim, that a special thank you goes out to you!  For showing us, through our children, what real team work is about and how the level of dedication and commitment can take them so far.  We are as proud of you, Tim, as we are our own kids.

I couldn’t agree more with the judges as they awarded special recognition to: the characters of Phil, Benny, Louise and the ever-demanding stage presence of the saucy, sassy, flamboyant Contessa.  Each of these actors had us all on our feet as they were announced, one by one, with the other actors from the other schools being celebrated during yesterday’s DramaFest ‘09.  As each one of the actors left the school building, they were met by cheering parents, family and friends, who formed a pathway for the actors to exit the building. 

As a parent, I have to admit I had to hold back tears as we cheered the actors on their way from DramaFest ‘o9.  Some of the students I have known personally since their days at the Learning Tree Preschool in Danvers, MA, others I have met over the course of a year while my own children became acquainted with this group of thespians.  I made it a point to look around to the other parents as our children were being honored and what I saw was the stuff I hope Heaven is made up of: parents cheering, whistling, dancing, crying for each one of our brave teens who could not have made us more proud with their performances.  And more importantly, I loved the way we each cheered for our students as if we had all given birth to each one!  The kind of love that poured from that audience last night, was nothing shy of pure, unconditional love and adoration, each parent for each student.  I am proud to be a part of such a loving, supportive, nurturing community.

All hail to the cast and crew of Epic Proportions!

Bullying in Our Schools is Alive and Well — How Can We Keep Our Children Safe?

I am a single mother of two teens; my son is in tenth grade and my daughter is in ninth grade.  I have an excellent mother-father relationship with their father and thank goodness, because I don’t know what I’d do if I had to do all of this alone; but I am so tired of my children coming home from school, like they did yesterday, in tears because of the unkind words of their peers.

I remember high school, it wasn’t that long ago for me (or at least I like to THINK it wasn’t that long ago) and I’ve had my share of peers not liking me or maybe not treating me the way I’d like to be treated; but I never had to put up with some of the things my children are facing during their high school years.

My son has been telling me about a boy in one of his classes who has been tormenting him since the beginning of this year, when they first met, in Health class.  Up until that first day of school in September, according to my son, they’d never had any interaction and this student isn’t in any of my son’s circles of friends.  They were strangers.  So what gives this young man the right to decide that all of his negative aggressions should be taken out on my son?  Where does he feel it is his job to taunt, ridicule, mock, swear at and throw things like pieces of paper at my son during this class? 

Yesterday he had his first gym class that replaces the half-year Health class and he spent the entire time avoiding the other boys in his class because he feels that if he stays under-the-radar, they won’t pick on him.  During an assebly yesterday, these boys from his gym class were sitting a few rows behind him and along with poking at him were saying vulgar things like, “Hey, my son’s name, you give me a boner.”   Who taught this student to treat other students like that?

I don’t know what it’s like for students in other schools, this is my first time as a mother of teenagers, but what can I do to help my son with these issues?  As much as I’d like to go down to the school and follow my son around during his day dressed like a teen (I could actually pull this off…) I know this wouldn’t help him a bit.  But I want to “see” these kids interact with him and catch them bullying so they can be stopped. 

I am a very fortunate woman because I have resources at my disposal that I will utilize; a very good friend is an administrator in our Middle school and  will go to her for more advice and the assistant superintendent of our district was the principal of the elmentary school that my son attended from K-5 and she really loves my son.  I will be speaking with these women sometime today (it is a weekend and I have the OK to call them at home) and I hope there are options that we can impliment to keep my son protected but why is this kind of thing still happening?

I was a very “spirited” child and had the energy of ten teens when I was in school and although there were some others who didn’t particularly LIKE me, I never felt unsafe in my classes.  I had a big mouth and a boat load of opinions back then, that I foolishly believed would somehow change the world, if others just thought like me.  But I never dreaded going into a classroom, thinking that my name would be inserted into a pornographic limerick or the that any of the other students would have comments about either of my parents.  I want my son to be safe and to be able to ENJOY these years.  I don’t want him to be one of those unfortunate people who, when in their mid-lives only remember high school as this horrible thing they had to endure on their way to adulthood.

Am I asking too much?  I don’t think so.

If you have any ideas or experiences that will help this situation turn positive from negative, I’d love to hear it.  I’m sure I am not the only mother dealing with this, and I could sure use some practical advice.

USAirways flight 1549 / Hudson River

As a former 17 year employee of USAirways it was devastating to see one of “my” planes in the water.
It is also with great pride that I comment on the unbelievable job of this former colleague.  (Note: I was not a pilot for the airline, but worked all aspects of customer service in three different airports and states.)

I am betting that whenever someone refers to him as a hero he will say, “I was just doing myjob.”

Yes, your job was done, and done well.  You have amazed me, someone with airline in my blood, to have landed that beautiful plane like you did and not lost a single life.  God is smiling on your skill as a pilot, your compassion as a human being and your heroics for being the last person out of the plane, after having made sure all of “our” passengers were safe.

Bless you.
And when people refer to you as “Hero,” just say thanks…

Sobriety and the Holidays

Dave & Jill in Shadow

I am in complete denial that this is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving!  I keep thinking this year is going to slow down at some point, but it isn’t…

The holidays are really tough for those of us in recovery.  For most of us, getting together with family was a great excuse to drink and let loose.  For others, not being with family and feeling lonely would bring on the great desire to drink.  Let’s face it — those of us who are alcoholics have never needed much of an excuse to drink, but the holidays seem to be an extra-tough time when it comes to staying sober.

That all brings up the question, what do you do to stay sober around the holidays?

I am blessed living in the area that I live in, because there are a few different Thanksgiving Alka-thons that are being held nearby.  In earlier years, just knowing there was an alka-thon going on, was enough to keep me sober.  There is a wonderful atmosphere at those events, too, because it’s a sigh of relief for anyone who has to spend time with family that is actively drinking.  It’s a relief to walk into the church basement (where most of these are held) and know that no one is going to try to twist your arm to get you to drink.  Alcohol isn’t a part of our get togethers and that is a very safe feeling.

Here’s something to consider: you don’t HAVE to go visit family.  I know that sounds like a rebellious option but really, will anyone be so upset that you don’t show up that they do something drastic?  What could be so drastic — maybe they won’t invite you next year?  That doesn’t sound like a total loss to me. 

If you feel you MUST go to a family gathering that may put you at risk to accept a drink, be smart, bring a friend with you, who is also sober.  Whenever two or more of you…  You know the rest.  There is strength in numbers. 

If you find you have to do this solo, then make sure you have your own transportation and don’t think twice about bowing out early!  At one time you may have held the honor of being the last-to-leave any function, but times have changed and there is nothing that says you can’t scoot out early, before the heavy drinking starts.  And let’s face it, you know the heavy drinking is coming…protect yourself and get out of there before you’re stuck listening to Uncle Harrold and his tales of bowel obstructions, that MAKE you want to drink!

One thing that you should always do, not just during the holidays, is to keep your cell phone with you.  If you need to call your sponsor or another program friend, you’ll have it with you.  If you need to get a fake call to explain your early exit, that will work, too. 

There are a lot of things that you can keep in mind when trying to stay sober during the holidays.  I hope you have enjoyed the few I highlighted today: Hit an alka-thon, choose not to visit family, bring a buddy or at least, bring your phone!  Stay sober.  Stay safe.  Enjoy the holidays this year.

Be well.

A New Title

I just read about a new book (or it is new to me, at least) and I wanted to share it’s wisdom.

I haven’t picked this book up yet, but I love the title:

The Five Things We Cannot Change (And the Happiness We Find By Embracing Them)

1. Everything changes and ends.

2. Things do not always go according to plan.

3. Life is not always fair.

4. Pain is a part of life.

5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

The author is David Richo and I can’t wait to read what he has to say.

The One

NLH took this photo. I can tell by the look on my face -- it was LOVE...

We were young, I was 20 & he was 19 but I knew one thing for sure, he was the one true love of my life.

I worked at Islip’s MacArthur airport and it was 1984.  Working the ticket counter one night for the airline I spent almost 20 years with, a young man came up to me and asked one question: “Can I have a job?”  I was working alone and the entire airport (which could fit into the back of a VW Bug) was empty.  I wasn’t even going to look up, but I did and that’s when I saw them, they were the most beautiful blue eyes that I had ever seen and they were attached to this young man with the beautiful smile that when in full force, seemed bigger than his face!  I’m sure that I gasped because he was so unbelievably handsome that I had to catch my breath.  He was charming.  Prince Charming, to be sure.  I composed myself and told him that the manager of the station was away on vacation and he’d have to check back in a week.  He lingered there with me, making me completely nervous, which was completely out of character for me.  I was not a shy girl, by any stretch of the imagination but this beautiful being who was talking with me had me spinning in circles that were not visible to him (thank goodness)!  I had to get back to work, so he walked away.  Somehow I felt that I’d lost my one chance at ever seeing him again and my heart sank.

A few weeks later, I was, once again working the ticket counter in an empty airport when a guy I knew from another airline came over to the counter and he was accompanied by the beautiful blue eyed young man.  Once again, his smile made it to me before the rest of him and I was dazzled by his presence.  We were introduced and he said, “Oh, I know Jill, we met a while back when I asked her for a job and she told me to come back when the boss was back in town.”  I blushed (another characteristic that was not like me) and couldn’t keep my blue eyes off of his blue eyes.  We ended up hanging out together that night once I was off work and we even kept the conversation going at an All-Night Diner that we met at once everyone else went home.  We spoke and ate french fries or something, but we were there until 4am.  In the parking lot, saying good night, he leaned over and kissed me.  I kissed him back and when he pulled away he said, “Ahh, total acceptance.” 

That’s how it began.  The One.  The Love of My Life.  The One Who Got Away.  The One I Still Think About.  The One I Wish I Could Be With Today.

Why I Do What I Do

Tann & Abbs chilling out at Salem Harbor

I hear it all the time, “You’ve been sober for a while now, why do you still go to meetings?  Don’t you think you’ve logged enough hours in AA that you don’t need to still spend time there?”

Last night my reason for doing what I do, by going to meetings without fail, was right in my face.

I have a friend who has come to mean the world to me.  When we are together I am filled with a joyful feeling and know that I am with a woman that God put on this planet for me to meet!  Do you know that feeling?  I’ve only experienced it with a few friends, but those moments have been defining moments in my life: meeting someone you’re sure you’ve known before, or for your whole life…

We go to a meeting together on Tuesday nights.  I pick her up at her house, and I’m always a little early because we love the time we can spend together.  We have a 25 minute ride to our meeting and the ride home.  When I say that I look forward to this time together all week, it would be an understatement!  This is a woman who somehow shares my soul; who I would protect from the rotten gossip mongers of her town, if I could and someone I am able to be “myself” with — which I’m finding is a very rare occurrence. 

Like the weeks prior, I arrived at her door last night to pick her up for our meeting and I was met by a scene that was surreal: her young teen sons came to the door looking like deer caught in the headlights.  I knew immediately that something was very wrong…if there is such a thing as mental telepathy, their message to me was clear it was simply…HELP!

It took about a minute and  a half to realize that she had been drinking — heavily — for hours.  The looks on her boys’ faces suddenly made sense.  She could barely talk and if I hadn’t been so angry I would have cried.  It’s amazing how the mind of an alcoholic works; she actually tried to make me think she hadn’t been drinking!  She said she thought she could fool me and we’d just go out and have a great night like we’ve done on Tuesdays past. 

Alcoholism is such a nasty disease.  Just when your head settles down and you have some time under your belt, sober, that disease speaks to you, in your own voice and tells you that it’ll be okay if you have a drink. The worst part is that most of us, who are either not being completely honest with ourselves (and another) or who have decided we no longer need meetings — well, we believe that voice.  We want, desperately, to drink and the first time that hint crosses our mind…it’s hard to get past.

I went into the living room to speak with her boys and I said this:  “You know what’s going on, right?  You know your mom has been drinking.”  They knew.  I told them that they may feel angry toward her and they said it’s not so much anger as it is disappointment (what smart boys).  I said to them, “Please know that because she drank, it doesn’t make your mother a bad person or turn her into someone you shouldn’t love, or respect; it just means that she IS an alcoholic.  And there’s nothing wrong with being an alcoholic because I can guarantee you both, she didn’t ask for this thing.”  They seemed relieved.  I asked if they’d spoken to their dad and they said they had.  I asked if he knew their mom had been drinking and they said he did.  He was scheduled to be home within the next 20 minutes so I knew the boys, incredibly responsible for their young ages, would be fine.  I offered them my ear, if they ever felt they needed to talk — to someone who also has the same disease as their mom…and we left it at that.

Just 2 days ago I asked a friend about a woman who had been coming to meetings a couple of years back and I was curious to know how she was doing, because it had been a long time since I’d seen her.  Let me tell you a little about this woman; she was not yet 40 and she was married to a man who loved her dearly.  She had two sons, ran her own very successful business and lived in a beautiful house in one of the most pristine towns North of Boston.  She was a total success story.  She had a soft, sweet voice and was a beautiful woman; inside and out.  I knew she’d struggled with trying to stay sober and never seemed to have more than a week or two of sobriety before taking a nose-dive into the depths of alcoholism again and again.  When I asked my friend how she was doing, he got a look on his face and said, “She died in March.”  I hadn’t seen her because she’d moved to a city closer to Boston once she lost her whole life; including her boys and husband and house and business.  My friend said, “Yeah, she called me about a month earlier and said she was trying to stay sober and that she felt she was doing well.”  When in actuality just a few weeks later she went on a “Weekend Bender” and wound up dead.  My heart just sank.  I know for a fact that it’s hard to stay sober, especially when life isn’t going my way.  But I also know, without a doubt, that if I pick up a drink there is no telling where I’ll end up — drunk in my kitchen, denying I’d been drinking or dead. 

I do what I do because today I want to live.  And if by my living and going to meetings helps one person have the guts and determination it takes to stay away from a drink, then I will be a screaming success.  That’s why I still go to meetings: to keep my disease from tricking me into thinking it’ll be okay for me to drink, and to hopefully, be someone that others can look to and know that if I can do it — then THEY can do it, too!

xoxo